Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize