Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
