I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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