plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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