While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
