girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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