Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
