new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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