DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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