The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
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