There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
