Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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