You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
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