Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
