apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
