I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
