I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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