Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Already got asked if we're dating
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
