rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
