So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
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