The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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