my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
