I'm so fucking centered right now
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Randomize