If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
