She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Randomize
