Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
