My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
there's paper in my vomit.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
