When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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