Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
