i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
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