Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Randomize
