This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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