Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
