Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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