So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
