She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Randomize
