Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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