Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
