My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
My penis needs a shock collar
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
