Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
pop tarts are not kleenex
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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