You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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