If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
