paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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