Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
