You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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