he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
don't judge my taste in strippers
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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