I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
