I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize