you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
