I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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