nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Randomize
