Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
