We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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