Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
