They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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