I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
