does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
